Business As Usual by Kasey Render

It’s currently 2:19 AM and I’m up writing a blog post in my notes on my iPhone 6s. I slept all day yesterday, not because I wanted to but because my body literally had to. Have you ever worked so hard for so long that your body and mind shuts down? Well that was what was starting to happen. I’ve been going non stop for years with small moments for rest or reflection. 

My life is starting to shape itself as my days are getting booked at a more frequent pace. The time for personal relaxation are slowly disappearing. I have to be here at this time, then there the next minute. I have to respond to this text while talking on the phone with this person. I have to update this website while posting that post. I have to keep a smile while feeling annoyed inside. 

I am blessed and grateful for my life and all of the great things that are happening but there’s a gift and a curse in this lifestyle. I am aware of my potential and how quickly life can turn around for the better. I also understand that it can turn for the worst even faster. This probably explains why my motor is as ramped up as it is. I don’t know if I’m chasing a dream or running away from a nightmare. 

My life is a constant battle for balance. My scales get tipped frequently as I desperately search for the middle. I get to live a life that millions dream of but I still don’t feel complete. A part of me still feels empty. I feel like a lonely soul. Of course everyone says they understand. Of course I have all of these supporters. But everything comes down to me and the effort I put out. I don’t survive if I stop. 

I’m sacrificing and working the equivalent of 7 overtimes a week so that I don’t have to live this life ever again. I drown myself in my dreams because reality is miserable. Society is silly. I’m not depressed or at least I don’t think I am but I am getting tired. I’m tired of being overlooked. I’m tired of struggling financially. I’m tired of people kindly lying behind “support”. People “support” the good or nice guys by saying they support. 

So many people want handouts. So many people will only wear your stuff if you give it to them for free. So many people will ignore what you say or write only to ask you for the same advice that was already openly given away because they “think” you are a meal ticket. I’m up because I can’t sleep. Part of it is because I slept all day yesterday and part is because I have to keep working and thinking of more ways to grow. 

I’m broke but I’m not poor. My mind is too rich to fall victim to the constraints of money. I’m struggling but I’m fighting. I will keep on striving for excellence. I represent too much to slow down...